A Hero's Journey
Whilst I do not feel anything like I might imagine a hero would feel, I find myself on some sort of Hero's Journey*.
In the past few years, I have said no to many lovers who I liked, if not loved a little or a lot.
It's as if I am blindly loyal to my soul's deepest desire to find its one true love, its ultimate soul mate.
A recent somatic healing session helped me understand this. My soul is determined to experience this true love in this lifetime.
At first, it was like an inner voice getting louder and louder until it eventually screamed at me to leave my marriage. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. It required, amongst many difficult confrontational things, the reality of facing my childhood trauma, Abandonment.
I felt I had to abandon my three beautiful children to do this.
I wasn’t abandoning them, but the guilt was extreme.
Then came a string of lovers—men, women, men and women, and even a group of men and women on one or two occasions.
Yet despite the pleasure and companionship they offered, I have walked away from them all, one by one.
Here I am now, in solitude, at peace with the universal timing of things. It’s not my time yet. I am not ready, for reasons I am unsure.
Perhaps it’s still a disconnection to myself that needs repair before this true love soul can appear.
So, my work for now is to further understand my internal world and seek to repair my emotional wounds, all while being patient that what I long for will appear when the time is right.
Why is it so hard to truly understand, be alone with, and love ourselves? Why do we all seek to run from our truth?
I have been running for a long time. Running headfirst into booze, sex, work, and general busyness.
I guess that is where the hero in this Hero’s Journey concept comes from. Standing to face our ultimate fears is not for the faint-hearted. But here goes! I look forward to the next article, where I can reflect on what I discover.
